How do you derive your self-worth? Published Oct. 2, 2012 By Maj. David Canady 436th Communications Squadron DOVER AIR FORCE BASE, Del. -- Growing up I never gave much thought to what I valued and the things I let define me as a person. As a child and teen I had a laser-focus on getting through school and earning a college scholarship. Given my family background, I also knew I wanted to serve as an Army officer; more specifically, gain a commission form the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. That obviously did not happen. After earning the number one spot in my high school class, knocking out the standardized tests, and earning the principle nomination from my congressional district to attend West Point, I learned that I had a non-correctable eye condition that medically disqualified me from obtaining an appointment. Looking back, I can definitely see how these events played a key role in shaping my character and providing opportunities that I could not have imagined at 17 years old. At that time, however, my best was not good enough and the goal of my existence up to that point was unattainable. It was tough pill to swallow. Fortunately I was blessed with the friendship of Sonja and Ray Pendergrass who each had well over three of my lifetimes in experience and wisdom that they chose to invest in me. Because of them, I was able to see this as a course-correction to get me where I was supposed to be, although it was not where I thought I should be. Others were not so fortunate. Over the course of my time in college, our Reserve Officers' Training Corps detachment had one cadet and a former cadet take their lives. One was a scholarship cadet who had just completed his freshman year of college and took his life over the summer after receiving poor semester grades that likely cost him his scholarship. The former cadet had completed two years of the program when he was diagnosed with asthma and could not continue. He appeared to be fine for some time after being released from the program, but eventually took his life as well. These instances may fit into the perceived box of young adults having difficulty dealing with the sometimes harsh realities of life. After a year of receiving the casualty report in a past assignment, I was surprised to learn a good number of Airmen at or near two decades of service took their lives as well. My father was a Vietnam-era career Army enlisted member. He enlisted when he was 17 years old and didn't know much else when he transitioned to civilian life in the late 1980s. Other than short periods of time where he served as a medic or drill sergeant, nearly his whole career was spent supporting infantry and armor units as a combat engineer. He had poured himself into being a great soldier and leader of troops, leaving little room for much else. During a time much like the last few years, the military was going through a draw-down. Following the fall of the Soviet Union, many people who thought they had a few more years to serve found their service time curtailed. Upon transitioning to civilian life, he found that his skills as a combat engineer were not in high demand and without a college degree, he was overqualified for most entry-level positions and was unable to capitalize on his leadership experience for commensurate management-level positions. After leaving the service where he was entrusted with the lives of over 100 soldiers, millions of dollars in equipment, and a critical mission set, this was a huge blow to his self-esteem to say the least. A few years later, my parents went their separate ways and my father was now a single parent of three, working on a degree and holding down a job that was less than fulfilling. A spiral of destruction ensued that left in its path broken relationships and a bout with alcoholism and depression that, following the sudden death of my three-month-old niece, fortunately was contained to a nervous breakdown. Looking at this, one might strictly focus in on these events and see them as too overwhelming for one person to take on. I submit the argument that perhaps the reason these conditions were overwhelming was because those affected were relationally isolated or believed whatever happened was so egregious that they could not face those they had disappointed. As Airmen, we have a culture that could lend itself to both circumstances, and it is imperative that we are all mindful of this as we seek to be good wingmen. For Airmen new to the military, it may be easy to form surface-level friendships with peers and be socially cordial with superiors, but those kinds of relationships don't help them get through the tough times. This is especially concerning as operations tempo and permanent changes of station provide an additional obstacle in forming close relationships in the communities where they are stationed. Some may have strong relationships with family or friends back home, but that is not always the case. It is important for leaders to be transparent enough with those they lead, allowing themselves to be seen as people who have had to deal with the ups and downs of life. I have heard a number of stories from Airmen who have credited a supervisor or more senior Airmen with modeling and mentoring them on what it meant to be a mature man or woman. More commonly, I believe that our efforts to get the mission done and compete in an achievement-dominated environment over time erode the very relationships that are essential to getting people through the really tough trials of life. This can be further exaggerated if one feels that showing anything less than an image of perfection is acceptable. Tragically, as was the case with my father, while he was wearing a uniform he was so consumed with getting the mission done, taking care of soldiers, and portraying the right image for the troops that he left no time for the other aspects of life; his self-worth became tied to soldiering and when that was gone it became a crisis. A lack of developing deep relationships coupled with the destruction of relationships he had, including the one with his bride eventually left him isolated and unable to deal with the challenges of life. Since every Airman will eventually retire their uniform, we cannot allow our Airmen to derive their self-worth from wearing a uniform. This should not be interpreted as discouraging taking pride in one's service or exhibiting character traits consistent with our core values, but ensuring our Airmen don't feel like failures when it is time for them to retire their uniforms after honorably serving their country. When I was working on my master's degree I had a professor who had formally retired some time before. During his introduction he answered why, at over 80 years old, he was still teaching. He told the class of aspiring and current leaders that in this season of life he was concerned with ensuring his life had significance and he couldn't think of a better way to do that than to invest himself in the lives of others through teaching. This had a great impact on me and now each time I have an initial feedback with a new Airman, military or civilian, I ask them how they define personal success, what gives their lives significance, and how does the Air Force fit into all of that. The end objective is to help people recognize that through the Air Force they may live out the purpose of their lives, but that the Air Force is not the purpose. Additionally, it helps me be a partner in their success. Several years ago, I read a biblical verse that says there is nothing new under the sun. These words are comforting, as they explain that regardless of the challenge we may face, others have been there before and overcome them. Although we may be able to take on some challenges alone, there will be a time where we all need a Sonja and Ray Pendergrass, or spouse or family member with whom we can be real and from whom we are willing to accept candid counsel, knowing they have our best interest at heart. This doesn't just happen and requires an investment. Finally, we need a life outlook that ties our self-worth to something bigger than obtaining a specific achievement or occupation, or sustaining a person's opinion of us. As Airmen we all share a personal responsibility to take care of one another. While rank, position, etc., may be necessitated in the effective execution of our mission, we cannot allow it to be a barrier to being good wingmen and ensuring the resiliency of our fellow Airmen.